4.30.2009

Insomniac

My husband has a blog as well and today I was amazed while reading his words that my battle with insomnia last night yielded the same conclusions. It seems that while he was sleeping and I was not, our spirits were battling with the same thing. Its crazy how I think I'm just dealing with something and then there he goes, without me even opening my mouth, pouring out the same message. I woke up at my usual 3 am potty break and could not go to sleep. Its as if my brain or maybe the Lord, sometimes I can't tell, was up waiting for me and like an unwelcome guest just chattered away while I tossed and turned trying to shut it out.
What is it with that? No I'm not content, no I can't believe that things are still this way. Yes, I want more and I laid there wishing I could be the kind of wife who is just happy and full of excitement for where I am right now. Curse this desire to rise above mediocrity and stagnation. Pity me for seeing what others can't see. Here I am literally and figuratively pregnant with this tiny dream, something that I've done so many, many times before that I thought I had it all figured out and down pat. But for the first time ever I'm scared to death that it won't happen. There is really not a whole lot in my control to make it happen or not. There has been the fear planted in me that I could possibly lose it and it never happen at all. Each day that passes with no loss I am grateful for, but I realize that it is a day to day process. There is no window to peek in and check on the progress, I can only trust that its still there. Dang it I hate that.
As I try to pull away from the demands of the world and focus on the growing of this precious gift, I realize that outside forces are grasping even harder than normal. Its like being overcome by wave after wave of distractions and I think to myself, "It won't hurt to do that, or that." and "If I don't do it, who will?" Maybe someone else needs to be given the opportunity to step up. But for me, there can be no putting aside of my focus. Ride out the wave, like my husband said.

4.28.2009

Labels

You know I've never been one for following the crowd. Fads just don't pull me in like they do most people. Even in high school my mother called my style or lack thereof, "classic". She always encouraged me to join clubs which I fought because I just couldn't find one that I totally agreed with. As I've grown older and developed a family of my own I fight against the stereotypes associated with it. We have homeschooled, public schooled and private schooled. I have been part of a church denomination and the wife of a non-denominational pastor. I've received my bachelors degree in psychology and began work on my master's all after having my children. Worked and stayed at home...But I have never found the niche that I seemed to fit into. If everybody's doing it or if its the cool thing to do, I don't want any part of it. Maybe you call that rebellious. I call it nonconformity. I hate fitting into somebody's mold. Don't look at me and my characteristics and think you've got it all figured out. I really don't want to take on a label and for people to have me all sized up before they even get to meet me. Sometimes a sampling of people can ruin the category for everyone else that's in it. Personally, I have always liked the miscellaneous category. You never know what you'll find there, but you can be pleasantly surprised.

4.26.2009

Take It Easy

Resting is really difficult work for me. I'm the type of person who wakes up in the middle of the night in a panic remembering things that I forgot to do the day before. Even as I lay on my couch in the living room seemingly wiling away the hours, my mind is frantically making lists of all that I could and should be doing. Internal dialogue session:
"How can I finally tackle unpacking the remaining boxes in the garage? Steps to completion: #1 Have Josh bring said boxes into living room. #2 Begin unpacking. #3 Have girls put things away. Siren goes off. Brain reminds body: You're supposed to be resting and it won't be as easy as all that. The girls will just take things into other rooms or closets and make enormous piles of the things you just unpacked. Resolution: Don't even go there, you've lived without the stuff for the past two months, it can stay where its at for now."
And then I'm right back where I started, bored as all get out and wishing I could do something productive with my life. Oh yeah, I am...I'm making a baby. Hah!

4.23.2009

Boy oh boy

On Tuesday, we found out that we are in fact going to have another boy in our house. Its about time and I feel like I can finally rest my babymaking and move on to other things in life. My quiver is complete. Even with all of our joy and excitement however, I still have to take it easy because my pregnancy is high risk. While the doctor released me from bedrest, in the same breath she warned me that any bleeding at this point in my pregnancy would become an emergency for my child. I felt a little uneasy about this news since I had only stopped bleeding three days before. My amazing husband concluded that while I am allowed to proceed with teaching my two Latin classes, that is all that I should do. Everything else is going to remain the same as it was while I was on bedrest. So I remain a captive with a few liberties. I have resolved to do something useful with this rest time that I have been given. You know its really kinda nice to have the main man in your life recognize all that you do and say, "Hey that's alot, cut it out!" Wow, sometimes I feel as if I'm dreaming. Not that my husband has ever taken me for granted, but most days it is as though I work full-time and then come home to my second job only to fall into bed at night knowing that there was so much left undone. While I don't like the worry associated with my condition, its actually nice to have a little break from the heavy things.

4.21.2009

Don't Worry...Be Happy

I am a worrier, no doubt about that one. I don't know what it stems from, but a characteristic of my personality it remains. During my entire two week bed rest time, my husband has labored to get me to relax and let him handle things. Hah, is it really possible for any conscious mother to do that? Not only is it difficult to let go, it is so hard to trust your husband with the things that you know mommy does best. What if he forgets the baby? What if the girls don't take a bath for a week? Did he pack their lunches? So as the days go by and so many, many events stack up against the defense of my quiet time, my resolve really began to ebb away. I don't know about other girls but I have never been a crying type of person, my emotional outbursts come after much, much buildup of stress, pain, or disappointment. A few days ago I began realizing that I really needed to sit down and have a really good cry to cleanse all that out, ya know. I will spare you all the details, but realize my tears were brought on by stupid, stupid things, that I could just lay back and let my husband navigate through, but that is just not my nature. What's a mom to do? Today, I go back to the ob-gyn to get the verdict on my return to normal life, and I hope the doctor says I can. There is just no point of worrying without the possibility of action. I want to think about the possible outcome of a situation and have the ability to step in and make a difference. Maybe that's what God means when He says we shouldn't worry about anything. As humans we want to know that we have control, but He wants us to just rest in knowing that He has things in His very capable hands.

4.17.2009

Monsters

It is beautiful outside today. Being stuck inside is even more unbearable when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and it seems like all of the outdoors is beckoning you by name. This week was by far the most depressing . Between everyone that I know and belong to being so busy, and my overactive pregnant hormones, I was weeping over everything. Commercials were making me teary eyed. Today however is a completely different day. My oldest and youngest daughters are my companions and boy do they help pass the time. Becca really wants to spend the night at her friends house tonight so she is doing every little thing I ask her without complaint! Emari has sat by me all day, except for when she gave in to a short nap. She tried to convince me that monsters were coming to get us on the couch (that's her newest make-believe scenario). She even went so far as to go in the other room from which she promptly ran back to me yelling that monsters were coming and she even made monster sounds to prove it. Now that's entertainment. A bedridden mommy can almost make it with distractions like that, even if there is the threat of "Monsters gonna get me!" Bring it on.

4.14.2009

Bed Rest Central

So here goes, this is my first ever post on my new blog. Woo-hoo! I have been spending a lot of time reading other people's blogs, pastor's wives blogs, large family mama blogs, and I thought hey, I can do that. Plus, it doesn't hurt that I am sequestered to my home for yet another run of bed rest. Television is really draining and I really don't feel much like reading. I really like having a quiet house while the kids are all at school, but I get a little bored and lonely. So here I am blogging. Bear with me while I work out all the kinks. Maybe we can make it through this pregnancy better together.


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