Insomniac
My husband has a blog as well and today I was amazed while reading his words that my battle with insomnia last night yielded the same conclusions. It seems that while he was sleeping and I was not, our spirits were battling with the same thing. Its crazy how I think I'm just dealing with something and then there he goes, without me even opening my mouth, pouring out the same message. I woke up at my usual 3 am potty break and could not go to sleep. Its as if my brain or maybe the Lord, sometimes I can't tell, was up waiting for me and like an unwelcome guest just chattered away while I tossed and turned trying to shut it out.
What is it with that? No I'm not content, no I can't believe that things are still this way. Yes, I want more and I laid there wishing I could be the kind of wife who is just happy and full of excitement for where I am right now. Curse this desire to rise above mediocrity and stagnation. Pity me for seeing what others can't see. Here I am literally and figuratively pregnant with this tiny dream, something that I've done so many, many times before that I thought I had it all figured out and down pat. But for the first time ever I'm scared to death that it won't happen. There is really not a whole lot in my control to make it happen or not. There has been the fear planted in me that I could possibly lose it and it never happen at all. Each day that passes with no loss I am grateful for, but I realize that it is a day to day process. There is no window to peek in and check on the progress, I can only trust that its still there. Dang it I hate that.
As I try to pull away from the demands of the world and focus on the growing of this precious gift, I realize that outside forces are grasping even harder than normal. Its like being overcome by wave after wave of distractions and I think to myself, "It won't hurt to do that, or that." and "If I don't do it, who will?" Maybe someone else needs to be given the opportunity to step up. But for me, there can be no putting aside of my focus. Ride out the wave, like my husband said.
What is it with that? No I'm not content, no I can't believe that things are still this way. Yes, I want more and I laid there wishing I could be the kind of wife who is just happy and full of excitement for where I am right now. Curse this desire to rise above mediocrity and stagnation. Pity me for seeing what others can't see. Here I am literally and figuratively pregnant with this tiny dream, something that I've done so many, many times before that I thought I had it all figured out and down pat. But for the first time ever I'm scared to death that it won't happen. There is really not a whole lot in my control to make it happen or not. There has been the fear planted in me that I could possibly lose it and it never happen at all. Each day that passes with no loss I am grateful for, but I realize that it is a day to day process. There is no window to peek in and check on the progress, I can only trust that its still there. Dang it I hate that.
As I try to pull away from the demands of the world and focus on the growing of this precious gift, I realize that outside forces are grasping even harder than normal. Its like being overcome by wave after wave of distractions and I think to myself, "It won't hurt to do that, or that." and "If I don't do it, who will?" Maybe someone else needs to be given the opportunity to step up. But for me, there can be no putting aside of my focus. Ride out the wave, like my husband said.
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