Bondage and Futility

So, Joshua and I were having a conversation the other day about how my imagined life doesn't line up with my reality and he said something profound to me, "You like the idea of it." Of course that made me mad, but at the same time made me think, "Is he right? Do I really enjoy the idea of the thing rather than the day by day carrying out of the project?" The man knows me. It irks me to no end, but that's for another time and you probably wouldn't want to read that blog.

I spend my time making lists and cooking things up in my head and pinning on Pinterest and so on. I get fixated on organization, or healthy eating, or homesteading (?) or what have you and I absolutely love the idea of it. But my energy runs out shortly after the planning stages. I get all the supplies together, and I hold up for maybe a week or so and then life takes over and I plummet into the depths of despair because I just can't hang.

My personality is one in which I always want to be doing something to move forward. I can take the leap, but the landing back on my feet is never graceful and is more in lines with taking out a few people on the way. I mean, I have always been this way, goal oriented to the extreme. I set my goal, start out on the way and get distracted by some other project or discouraged from the hardships to get to said goal. I hate it.

I think part of the problem is that I absolutely hate the mundane, the routine, while at the same time loving a programmed and set way of doing things. The day to day chores are so boring and yet needful and then when I get in my groove even the smallest distraction like a phone call can seem like a property infringement. I don't have time for this doing the same thing every day, but don't throw anything unexpected my way, I may just collapse.

I want to invent things that could make me happier, make life easier, make me feel like this matters. My focus is no longer on the things I have, the happiness that I already possess, the people who already love me. I think its all about clarity of purpose and submitting yourself to the life that you have. Why does it always have to be more? Contentment is a scary word to me, it gives me a picture in my head of someone who gave up and stopped moving forward and yet I know that's not at all what it means. Happiness is more work than it should be.


Deja Vu

I love how God deals with Joshua and I. What I mean is the language that He speaks that we can understand. You know when He stoops down and whispers something to you and you can watch it unfold. We have been many places together, all over the world, and seen God's hand work in our lives and the lives of others. I have been blessed with a man who loves me and loves my babies and fortunately has a lot of love because we have a lot of babies. Looking back on where we have been, missionaries, and youth pastors, and church planters.

Dominican Republic May 2001

And then looking at the us that we are now and the places where He has brought us as a family. The hard times and the good times, but always together times. Its funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same...He's always a right on time God. No matter where my feet roam, He directs my steps. There is peace in that.

Cliffdale Christian Center August 2014


Here's Looking at You, Kid

And then there were four...

Joshua and I grew up with Tony and Becca. They were our originals and now that they're all done and gone off to pursue their dreams I can't imagine this new life. We have had six kids in the house for awhile now and you just don't get used to the difference. Its been forever since we "just" had four. Its cleaner, quieter, calmer. Most of our friends with kids have two and are "done" now. They talk about how they get "me" time and are enjoying this new phase of life. I wouldn't know...but its different all right.

I catch myself looking over at my Joshua and thinking we finally grew up, we're different people. Hopefully better parents, better partners, and we've proven we can be trusted with long term projects. For 20 years we've been building this family and watching it grow. Now the kids are starting to leave and I know that they will be bringing back more to our group, but for now it feels oddly disjointed with the paring down of my daily routine. Its a stretching and a pulling to fit into a new way of doing things. My middles are my big kids now. Onward and upward, Goodman clan.


Taking Leave

Grandma prayed that the delivery would be quick and easy. Especially after your brother decided to make a slow and painful entry into this world two years earlier. God granted her prayers and I started dilating one whole month before you were born. It was a series of small pains and when the day came, Daddy and I went out for a late movie and I was awakened early the next morning before the light with what I thought was "just stomach cramps." We rushed to the hospital and got there just in time to labor for a few short hours, and three pushes later you were among us. I will never forget the way your Daddy seemed to forget me and just followed you around the room as the nurses cleaned you up and weighed you. When he finally looked over at me his look seemed to say, "Look at this beautiful creature that God made, look what we did!" I could see that the sun was just beginning to peek up above the trees and I knew that sunshine had been born in my life that day.

Today you leave me, not for the first time, but most certainly the beginning of the last time. I had prayed that your going would be easier. Especially after your brother left two years ago and I thought I might never feel whole again. But God granted my prayers and you only brought us a few small pains and now that the day has come I feel like it snuck up on me. You came into my world crying and now I'm the one crying as you leave it. Daddy followed you around helping you pack up the truck and get ready to go. Then you drove away with the man I've shared you with all these years, and I am absolutely certain as he leaves you today and cries his own tears he will be thinking, "Thank you God for letting me help form this beautiful creature," and the sun is just beginning to rise for you my darling beautiful girl. Don't ever forget that you're my sunshine.


God in the Hands of Angry Christians

You're probably not gonna like this post. Just the title is a little off putting. I mean it makes God seem helpless, weak, touchable. Yet, that's how we treat Him sometimes. Ok, maybe not you, let's be safe and say, that's how I treat Him sometimes.

You've heard it before. God I just don't understand, I have been doing this and this and this for you, getting it all right and I just don't get why you could let this happen to me. Or even better (or worse) I can't take this anymore, I'm at the end of my rope. I'm just so done!

I take issue with God when things don't go my way, I misrepresent Him as if His purpose is to make me happy. The problem here is that the relationship is misunderstood. I weas created for His good pleasure, not the other way around. My life is not about me, its about Him and others.

When I vent my disappointment and disillusionment, He can handle it, don't for a minute think that its too much. But think for a minute what is going on here. Look at it from another perspective. I say, "God, I did such and such and live my life right and follow the rules, and still this thing happened and I'm so confused and so mad and so disappointed that you allowed this to touch my life!" He says, "You did this sin and that sin and turned your back on me and broke your promises and yet I still sent my only Son to die on the cross for you!"

There's nothing more that He ever had to do for you, for me...

The ultimate price was paid for my lousy, wretched self-important life and I still have the nerve to expect more. To be angry and bitter and lose hope. To shake my fist at heaven as if He owes me something in exchange for my choice to be His servant and enter into His family.

My perspective is skewed, its faulty, and when I step back and take a breath I recognize it as such. I am powerless in comparison to His almighty strength and still I say, "Its not enough! I want more! I want things to be my way!" I'm like a spoiled child only thinking of myself or the way I see things as the correct and appropriate one.

Even before I'm all done flailing my opinions around and kicking and screaming for my voice to be heard and understood and heeded, He stoops down and scoops me up and like all loving Fathers holds me close until the tantrum is done. I'm very certain that His Father heart aches with the false accusations I declared against His love for me and care for my well being. Yet, He still loves me and cherishes me enough to allow me to come back again and again and say, "I'm sorry, You were right..."


The Long Summer

Well, its been a long time since I last wrote. I had to look back to see exactly how long. Whew, school let out for us at the end of May and then we started our summer with a bang up trip to Myrtle Beach and one thing led to another and here I am back at school for the new year. The summer was long and very eventful and I had so many thoughts pinging around in my head. I don't like to write until I have fully processed and it just seemed that between busy summer fun and really difficult personal challenges, I just couldn't get things thought through enough to put down in blog form.

May seems so far away looking back on it. Camping trips and family time, house guests and summer school. We had some issues to face that were entirely new to us as parents and we are still rising to that challenge. Church events seemed stacked back to back and Goodman would have to forcefully pull away to take short and solitary surfing trips. At times it felt like we had taken a jump off the high dive and were fighting back up to the surface of the water.

Now we're back into a semi routine just in time for Rebecca Lynn to go off for her first year of college and Tony to move into his own place off campus and you can bet there will be many blogs to come regarding those events and the feelings they evoke. Until then, its not that I didn't have anything to say this summer, I just couldn't put it into appropriate words, there was just too much. If I had to put it in a nutshell, this would be it: God is always right on time, my husband is the most awesome person I know, I will survive parenting and so will my kids. There you have it. Its good to be back...
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