8.31.2014

Bondage and Futility

So, Joshua and I were having a conversation the other day about how my imagined life doesn't line up with my reality and he said something profound to me, "You like the idea of it." Of course that made me mad, but at the same time made me think, "Is he right? Do I really enjoy the idea of the thing rather than the day by day carrying out of the project?" The man knows me. It irks me to no end, but that's for another time and you probably wouldn't want to read that blog.

I spend my time making lists and cooking things up in my head and pinning on Pinterest and so on. I get fixated on organization, or healthy eating, or homesteading (?) or what have you and I absolutely love the idea of it. But my energy runs out shortly after the planning stages. I get all the supplies together, and I hold up for maybe a week or so and then life takes over and I plummet into the depths of despair because I just can't hang.

My personality is one in which I always want to be doing something to move forward. I can take the leap, but the landing back on my feet is never graceful and is more in lines with taking out a few people on the way. I mean, I have always been this way, goal oriented to the extreme. I set my goal, start out on the way and get distracted by some other project or discouraged from the hardships to get to said goal. I hate it.

I think part of the problem is that I absolutely hate the mundane, the routine, while at the same time loving a programmed and set way of doing things. The day to day chores are so boring and yet needful and then when I get in my groove even the smallest distraction like a phone call can seem like a property infringement. I don't have time for this doing the same thing every day, but don't throw anything unexpected my way, I may just collapse.

I want to invent things that could make me happier, make life easier, make me feel like this matters. My focus is no longer on the things I have, the happiness that I already possess, the people who already love me. I think its all about clarity of purpose and submitting yourself to the life that you have. Why does it always have to be more? Contentment is a scary word to me, it gives me a picture in my head of someone who gave up and stopped moving forward and yet I know that's not at all what it means. Happiness is more work than it should be.

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