The Moment You Know It Was Worth It

Sometimes you find God in those moments that you step back and look at your situation from a different perspective...I got this email from Tony this week:

But yeah it's been pretty crazy here, this last weekend was my time to go "crewing" which means I was on set for no less than 6 hrs. on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. So that kinda messed up my homework schedule, but everything worked out. This next weekend I do the whole thing over so that'll be fun. I told about this moment I had on set, that in it's own way was kinda spiritual for me. It was the silence that overcame the entire crew, all 50 of them when the First Assistant Director yelled "quiet on set". Everybody immediately responded, the audio guys started their recording, the camera started rolling, and the Director yelled action. The actors came out did their little actor thing, the camera man was operating the camera, the Director was looking intently at the actors movement and dialogue, the Cinematographer was watching through the monitor in the back, and the rest of the crew was silent.

It was this awesome, nerdy moment of realization for me. It was so beautiful and in it I knew that I was at the right school, at the right time in my life, headed in the right direction. All of the headache, cramming, stress, worries, sleep deprivation, was all worth it. And this wasn't even my picture so who know's how it will feel when I'm in that seat! Anyways, enough of my rambling.
This is what we've been waiting for as parents left at home. I am not foolish enough to think that he's not gonna have other moments of doubt as to his calling, I still have my own doubts for mine at times, but it made my heart glad to read these words from my son. The surety that everything up to this point has been worth the reward of knowing that he's at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. And even better he knows its God! I love it and just wanted to share with you all this morning. There's nothing better than realizing that you're right where God wants you to be, well nothing except watching your children realize that for themselves.


I Don't Wanna Grow Up

As I'm getting older and realizing that my life is a series of challenges and obstacles, I see that there's not really a place when I get to step back and say, "I made it!" Well not until I'm dead I guess. But the reality is that my body is getting older, but inside I still have the same insecurities and questions. They may be in reference to different things, but they're still there.
I guess that I thought that by the time I was almost forty, I would have a certain confidence from life lived and experience gained. But I doubt myself all the time. I ask questions like, "Is this what God really had in mind when He called me to Himself?" or "Am I really being the best mother to these children, and wife to this husband?" Is this what I've worked for and waited for and prayed for? Or is it still somewhere out there illusive and shadowed by doubts?
Does anyone else in the world feel this way? I mean I thought that there was a point when you grew up and accepted your life and were happy and successful and could sit around enjoying things. Does the hard work ever get easier? Does what other people think ever shrink in its importance to you? Do you ever look in the mirror and like what you see?


Perfect Timing

I felt like I should follow up my last blog with something a little more cheerful. Rereading my own post made me cry. Sheesh! Anyway, this was the first weekend that Tony has not come home so I was emotionally and physically able to pack up the rest of his leftover stuff and get rid of all the trash he left in his room (thanks Bub) and actually make Emari and Zion comfortable in their own room. Tony still has a bed to sleep in when he graces us with his college coolness but with five siblings still at home I couldn't make everybody remain cramped. Tony's room is perfect because it has built in shelves for their toys and a small closet for their small clothes. Emari has had a bit of a hard time with Tony leaving and starting kindergarten and moving into a new room. Being part of the youngest set of Goodman children she has grown used to a bigger person to protect her from the boogie man. Zion just doesn't help fight him off as well as Serena and Taylor. For the past four weeks Joshua and I are reliving her infancy in our bed with her squished in between us. The difference is she's a lot bigger than she was back then and it makes for a sleepless night for mommy and daddy. The floor just doesn't work for her. She knows where her place is.

I really don't know how I would have made it through this time if it hadn't been for my two little people. Just the fact that they need me in such all consuming ways keeps me from giving into the abyss of loneliness. Rebecca, Serena, and Taylor go on with their lives and don't need me on a minute by minute basis. I don't have to worry about the three of them wandering around in the backyard in their underwear looking for me if I decide to take a shower real quick. Well, at least I hope not. There have been times in life that I felt a little person made living so much more complicated and then I looked back at the ordeal and realized that that little "inconvenience" was exactly what I needed to keep things in perspective. Thank God for holding out that little boy for 16 years. Sometimes his little voice asking, "Momma, I hold you?" is precisely what I need to hear.


Separation Anxiety

Now that I'm on the *happy side* of this ordeal I feel compelled to share with you. Yes, I'm talking about Tony packing up the "important stuff" and running off to live in another town, an act commonly referred to as "going off to college." Its been four weeks now and up until this time the only thing I've ever counted in weeks is pregnancy and infancy; two things that culminate towards a wonderful conclusion. This is soo different. The conclusion here is my boy leaving me forever and only visiting on holidays and my birthday, maybe. This is probably the hardest thing I've gone through in my life. The bittersweet fact is that its a loss that has enormous returns and the truth of the matter is that in its entirety it displays my victory over the battle of parenting. My son is whole and sound and very much capable of leaving me and his father and carrying on a viable life somewhere else using his own giftings. "Yeehaw! So what?!" I scream. The morning he left I couldn't even talk when I said goodbye. I clutched him and kissed his neck and ran out the door. I cried for a week and every time I passed his picture in the hall I felt an emptiness in my middle. I couldn't make dinner or set the table without thinking I didn't need to set a plate for him or save food back. A zombie version of me walked through the grocery store remembering all of his favorite foods that I no longer needed to buy and thinking how I hoped no one could tell how hollow I was inside. The pain I felt was tangible and it centered somewhere around my womb. I know that sounds weird and creepy, but its true, I actually hurt. The one thing that kept resounding inside me was the idea that millions of moms have gone through this, many walking around in my life everyday and nobody bothered to warn me. No one told me that I was going to feel what Tony felt everyday that I left him in daycare and he clung to my leg and wailed and begged me not to leave. I walked out of the daycare every day and cried the whole way to school thinking that he'd understand one day. Little did I know that he was thinking the same thing....
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