Separation Anxiety

Now that I'm on the *happy side* of this ordeal I feel compelled to share with you. Yes, I'm talking about Tony packing up the "important stuff" and running off to live in another town, an act commonly referred to as "going off to college." Its been four weeks now and up until this time the only thing I've ever counted in weeks is pregnancy and infancy; two things that culminate towards a wonderful conclusion. This is soo different. The conclusion here is my boy leaving me forever and only visiting on holidays and my birthday, maybe. This is probably the hardest thing I've gone through in my life. The bittersweet fact is that its a loss that has enormous returns and the truth of the matter is that in its entirety it displays my victory over the battle of parenting. My son is whole and sound and very much capable of leaving me and his father and carrying on a viable life somewhere else using his own giftings. "Yeehaw! So what?!" I scream. The morning he left I couldn't even talk when I said goodbye. I clutched him and kissed his neck and ran out the door. I cried for a week and every time I passed his picture in the hall I felt an emptiness in my middle. I couldn't make dinner or set the table without thinking I didn't need to set a plate for him or save food back. A zombie version of me walked through the grocery store remembering all of his favorite foods that I no longer needed to buy and thinking how I hoped no one could tell how hollow I was inside. The pain I felt was tangible and it centered somewhere around my womb. I know that sounds weird and creepy, but its true, I actually hurt. The one thing that kept resounding inside me was the idea that millions of moms have gone through this, many walking around in my life everyday and nobody bothered to warn me. No one told me that I was going to feel what Tony felt everyday that I left him in daycare and he clung to my leg and wailed and begged me not to leave. I walked out of the daycare every day and cried the whole way to school thinking that he'd understand one day. Little did I know that he was thinking the same thing....


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