Have you ever listened to someone who put into words what you were going through? Last night I watched the conference that my kids and husband are at right now. Damon Thompson was preaching and I always love to hear what God is giving to him, but wow. He talked about how God is raising a generation of people who are made to do things differently in the kingdom of God. They are the ones who are not content with the way things are right now. They are creative and called, but they must be careful to make sure they keep covenant with their God. Otherwise, their uniqueness is nothing. Since early last year I've been feeling this restlessness in my spirit that things just have to change. Lately I've really found myself struggling with the idea that maybe my feelings were just of a rebellious nature. I love it when God responds to your heart's cry and directs you in the way to go. The message last night was a prodding on for me that I'm not feeling wrong things, I just need to keep my hand in His. I know that there are so many out there that God is raising up to shake the foundations of religion and Christianity. However, we must remember to honor the work of those who have gone before us and prepared the way as God directed them. Without them we would not be poised where we are today.
This Sunday I found myself listening to one of my all time favorite preachers, my husband. Now I know I'm a little biased, but you see I've had the unique privilege of watching this particular man of God develop his gifts over the years. My point in all of this is that as I sat there this last Sunday and listened to him preach, I began to think back over our years together. The very first time I held his hand it was actually in youth group during prayer, not on a date or anything and I somehow new that it was right. That was all before he ever asked me out. Love is so intense to start out and your whole world is about spending as much time as you can with that person. You make plans together and you begin your life as a couple. Time goes by and life just moves on. Pretty soon you find yourselves knowing each other so well, but just maintaining life. Love does not cool, but its business as usual. You know his favorite foods, he knows what movies you like, but when you really stop and think about it when was the last time you just enjoyed being together doing nothing. Is it even possible anymore or must you talk or plan or whatever? I love it when I just stop and bask in the time I have with my husband. All that we've withstood together, all that's ahead of us just melts away and its the "now". I realize that its the same way with the lover of my soul, Jesus. How much time do I spend asking Him for things, or telling Him about my problems? All the while its so rich to just spend time with Him. When I stop and just rest my spirit, I walk away from my time with Him so much more fulfilled. And when its all said and done as much as I like to think that my Joshua is the love of my life, Jesus has more of a claim on that title than anyone can. He has always known me and loved me, even before I knew He existed. Now that's the love of a lifetime.
Yesterday, I had my ultrasound to finalize if I was going to have to have a scheduled c-section. Obviously, I entered the doctor's office with much fear and trembling. Someone asked me the other day if the anxiety of childbirth goes away as you have more children. I assured the seeker that it definitely does not. Each pregnancy like each child is unique and different and holds the potential for so much to go wrong or right. Just as every other labor I have gone through, I knew that one way or the other the Lord was going to be right there with me, but I still fear the unknown that awaits. I've had normal labor and induced labor, but never a cesarean. From the beginning this pregnancy has been oh so peculiar and I thank God for the blessing of a long awaited second son, but fear has washed over my heart and soul more times than I would care to admit. The ultrasound showed that all was right again in my womb, my child is growing soundly and all obstructions to a normal delivery are removed. I know this is the direct result of God's hand and am so relieved. But at the same time I am ashamed that my faith in Him was ever shaken. I find myself not really taking a stand either way because I'm afraid to be disappointed. It would have been alright had the c-section been prescribed, but its so wonderful to know that it doesn't have to be that way. How much of the joy do I miss because I play it safe and don't ask God for the big things? Or does He just enjoy surprising me when I don't ask? He knows He can make it work either way, but prefers to show up in my life in the miraculous. I believe I have felt most loved by God when unexpected things shook my life and He showed up in a way that only He can to set everything right.