A Little Piece of Peace

Every Christmas our family has enjoyed the countdown of advent. It wasn't until a few years ago that I began using an advent wreath and lighting a candle each Sunday leading up to Christmas Eve. I don't know if its because I wasn't raised in this liturgical tradition, but I forget what each candle represents and so I bought a set of ornaments that I put into my wreath naming each candle. Hope, Peace, Joy, Love. 

This year as I was setting out our decorations, I could only find three of the advent ornaments. Peace was missing. I joked with my kids about it, "I sure hope I find peace before Christmas, guys." And lo and behold, as I lit the candle last Sunday, peace had not appeared. It wasn't with the three others, it wasn't with the rest of the ornaments for the tree, it wasn't in the box reserved for special but broken decorations that I can't seem to find the time to fix but don't want to throw out. Peace is gone, I can't find it anywhere. 

It is not lost on me that this is very much a metaphor of my life. The thing is that it doesn't have anything to do with the busyness of the season either. This is my life right now. There is so much going on that is entirely out of my control. I'm in the midst of some struggles that I know are not unique to me, but they are entirely new and I don't have a road map. In a word: menopause. Add onto it that as a mom the struggles don't even have to be mine: mental illness, addiction, preemies, just to name a few. These are not walk in the park issues here, they don't turn overnight. I told my husband the other day when, after close to two months solid of caring for my grandchildren, they finally went home with their mommy and daddy, and the fatigue settled on me. I didn't realize how tired I was until I go a chance to sit down. It felt like I had gotten out too deep in the waves and they had buffeted me around a little bit, letting me think that I just might drown and then they spit me out on the shore and I was just laying there trying to catch my breath and being so grateful to be alive. 

I can't find peace and its ticking me off. Peace is not just a calm feeling inside, its wholeness, completeness, the feeling that no matter what happens its gonna be okay. A walled city, a secured home, a stable mind. In the midst of the chaos, a firm foundation. I want my ornament set to be complete, not missing a piece. And then I realized I had nailed the real problem. I wanted the piece to be fitting, to be perfect, to be just right. Therein lies my real problem.

Psalms 23 says that even though I go through the valley of the shadow of death, He is with me. His peace comforts me. I can sit down to dinner in the midst of my enemies and enjoy the feast! I have to be more aware of the fact that even when all hell is breaking loose in my life, I can celebrate the sweetness in the midst of the darkness. He is with me, I am not alone. The peace that I find there is not the same that I needed last year, but its just perfect for right now.