Yes I know that blog title is full of spelling errors, but I'm trying to make a point here. This season, this trial period, if you will, has got me thinking. The Lord in His infinite wisdom is dealing with me, but its seems like He's so far away. At times I find myself disillusioned. He's the same, yesterday, today and forever, but it feels like He's being overly harsh with me right now. This same God who walked me through my parents divorce, my teenage pregnancy, my broken marriage, this time "it" didn't turn out ok, at least from my perspective. So, I get ready for church on Sundays, with the full knowledge that the eye makeup isn't gonna make it out the door, I'm crying before I put it on. I love corporate worship, but I'm undone before I walk in the sanctuary.

I feel broken down into my rawest elements. Dissolved in my troubles. What is Amber made up of really? Am I strong? Am I courageous? Do I really believe what I thought I believed? My heart and soul cries out to the God who I know loves me and has all things in His hands, but can this hardship let up? Please? A few weeks ago we took a week off and packed up the kids and camped out at the beach. We knew it was going to be raining off and on the whole time but we went anyway. There was a camper to hole up in when the heavens pelted us with water, and as our luck would have it we set up camp in a flood watch. There was a river flowing under our trailer wheels, running off to the Cape Fear. When it wasn't raining it was so humid you couldn't tell it had stopped, we didn't dry out until we got back home. Can you see the metaphor forming here? The kids and the mommy and the daddy huddled together and weathered the storms and made some awesome memories. Was it perfect? Absolutely not, but I wouldn't have traded it for any ol' resort vacation. Is this my life?

The rainclouds are following us around, everywhere we go it seems, and when its not raining, its uncomfortable and sweat drips from us in tear form, but He remains the same. He has never changed and even though I don't want to endure it and I don't want to hear anybody telling me that I'm learning from this I know its true. He still saves us, He still keeps us, He still heals us. Just not always the way I would like.


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