Bearing Up
The questions are posed more often than I would like, spoken in sincere concern. "How're you guys holding up?" "Is your daughter doing ok?" There's this little (ok maybe bigger than I'd like to admit) part of me that rankles every time and wants to run off screaming that I'm tired of answering the questions. And I'm tired of having to say that we're ok.
I have one close friend, who's right here in the same boat as me and some days we just write a text back and forth. That's as honest as I can get. I'm still really sad, and mad, and I cry way more than I ever have, and I have so many questions still....
Yesterday I just wanted to get away from here for a few hours and before I could even leave the driveway I had to come back in the house and cry (or try not to) on my husband's shoulder before I could drive off with my kids to find some silver lined clouds somewhere. Nothing really triggered this outburst other than closing my thumb in my granddaughter's stroller, and that was too much pain to have to endure right then. I didn't want to cry in front of my kids, more tears of exasperation than real pain, but still I had this overwhelming need to not break down in front of them, again.
And standing in the kitchen, with my husband at a loss for words over how to comfort his crazy wife over a bruised thumb, the recognition came to me. I was tired of holding up for everybody. Since March, actually way longer than that if I'm totally truthful, I've been worried about how everybody was doing. My kids, my man, my mother in law and sisters, my church family, my mom, the list goes on and wraps around my shoulders and burdens me. I want to be strong for them, I don't want any of them to hurt. All of this has just been too much and way too close to home and there is not enough room to grieve when you constantly have to answer the questions.
I want to cast all my burdens on Him, the only One who can bear up under their weight. I want to be reminded that these are only momentary, light afflictions in the terms of eternity. I want to realize that there are so many around me who are helping to carry my burden. Grieving is so much work. Its an uphill battle in the rain on a muddy slope and I'm wearing flip flops.
I have one close friend, who's right here in the same boat as me and some days we just write a text back and forth. That's as honest as I can get. I'm still really sad, and mad, and I cry way more than I ever have, and I have so many questions still....
Yesterday I just wanted to get away from here for a few hours and before I could even leave the driveway I had to come back in the house and cry (or try not to) on my husband's shoulder before I could drive off with my kids to find some silver lined clouds somewhere. Nothing really triggered this outburst other than closing my thumb in my granddaughter's stroller, and that was too much pain to have to endure right then. I didn't want to cry in front of my kids, more tears of exasperation than real pain, but still I had this overwhelming need to not break down in front of them, again.
And standing in the kitchen, with my husband at a loss for words over how to comfort his crazy wife over a bruised thumb, the recognition came to me. I was tired of holding up for everybody. Since March, actually way longer than that if I'm totally truthful, I've been worried about how everybody was doing. My kids, my man, my mother in law and sisters, my church family, my mom, the list goes on and wraps around my shoulders and burdens me. I want to be strong for them, I don't want any of them to hurt. All of this has just been too much and way too close to home and there is not enough room to grieve when you constantly have to answer the questions.
I want to cast all my burdens on Him, the only One who can bear up under their weight. I want to be reminded that these are only momentary, light afflictions in the terms of eternity. I want to realize that there are so many around me who are helping to carry my burden. Grieving is so much work. Its an uphill battle in the rain on a muddy slope and I'm wearing flip flops.
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