12.04.2015

Centered

 

Absolutely nothing was going right...

The kids were fighting in a silent, sullen, obnoxious kind of way. It was warm outside and we were trying to pick out a Christmas tree. Flip flops and shorts were the attire of choice. But here we were traipsing through the forest of trees, carrying this fog of dissatisfaction and regret around with us like a sweatshirt tied around our waists. My babies, some still lost in the moment oblivious to the strife and others making the most of it because that's their nature. And then there's me and dad. We know what's going on and we're so sad and angry and disappointed all at the same time. But we agreed on a beautiful evergreen and brought it home and made it our own. It stands proudly covered with memories of all the Christmases before.

Sometimes I get weary in building toward this goal, this vision we have had for all these many moons since we fell in love and started a family. Sometimes I wish life wasn't so stinking hard most of the time. I wish that the amount of effort we've put into this thing would show up every once in awhile. And it spreads out beyond my house, to my job and my church and my life in general.

This flip flops and shorts in winter just seems trying to me. It feels out of sorts and a lot like my heart right now. I'm oh so tired of the complaints, the disappointed people, myself included,  and I'm searching for the center of "what really matters." Christmas trees and complainers aside, what remains? There's no gimmick, no trick to this. Its heart centered and its important.

When everything seems topsy turvy and the waves are crashing overhead and I'm not even sure what I'm doing right now is gonna matter in eternity I have to cling to Him. He sets things right and gives me a center and a focus and a place to set my gaze to walk the rest of this craziness out.

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