1.12.2014

Control Freak

When I was a kid, I loved riding on roller coasters. I didn't like the sudden drop sort of rides but anything with a track and loops and twists and hills, was awesome to me. Not that you'd believe it if you rode the thing with me though. Or you know those pics they take of you while you're riding? Well mine would definitely show a girl head turned to the side, eyes tightly closed, hands gripped in white knuckled intensity, and not a peep of a scream escaping her lips. What's that all about? Why did I ride the thing, standing in line forever, only to endure it?


This goes back even further to when I was a tiny little girl and my mom told me that one time my finger was accidentally shut in the car door and I wouldn't for the life of me let anybody look at it to assess the damage. I just held it and cried and acted like everybody just needed to move on and get where we were headed to.

Now I always held the notion in my head that as we matured, we would grow wiser, better, etc. etc. I had this image of myself as an adult with perfectly manicured nails and meticulously kept hair and the words that flowed from my mouth would be a wonderful edification of every one that heard them. The thing that I didn't count on was that God gave me my personality and He also set me in certain situations to help to train and mold said personality and unfortunately the two stories I shared above tend to be my go to ways of handling trials and tribulations of all sorts.

I'm up for the adventure, I plan, I pray, I prepare. Then I tuck my head and endure. I don't enjoy. When I get hurt, I cry about it a little it, but for the most part, its my hurt and I'm not gonna let anybody close enough to help me sort it out. Control is what I desire to gain, maintain, and keep.

Life can't be that way, unfortunately. I really don't have any control whatsoever, even when I think I do. When I try to grab it or keep it I end up looking like a real jerk. I think the key here is to realize when you're on the roller coaster and ride it out. Have fun, enjoy the twists and turns. Let a few screams out and laugh along the way. When you're in pain, let some people in to hold your hand and thank God that you still have the ability to feel and that there are people around who love you enough to help you get better.

I feel like its kind of late to begin, but I really want to start letting go. Stop worrying about what there is to lose and allow myself to gain some good experience instead.

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