9.29.2013

Pride Rock

Growing up, Lion King was one of my son's favorite cartoons, still is. I don't know what it was that spoke to him: the loyalty, the danger, the resolution? It was the first movie we ever owned and he'd watch it on our VCR on a daily basis. Starting out, we lived in a little single wide trailer in the woods, Josh, Tony, Becca, and me. I look back now and those were the days....


I remember walking around each day with this chip on my shoulder that I had to make something of myself, I wanted my kids to be proud of me. Good aspirations, but faulty premise. I thought the way I would make them "proud" of me was by going through college, becoming a psychologist, and making lots of money so they wouldn't have any needs. I went through college and then when faced with leaving these little people I wanted to make so proud in order to pursue a career and "make something of myself" I chose to be with them instead. I'm not rich, but their needs have always been met. All of their wants? Not so much.

I struggle still with wanting to give them stuff. I want to send Tony money every month so he can go out for coffee and see movies and have fun. I want to get him a car and Becca a car and eventually Serena and on and on. I want to splurge on them and I can't. What stings is that at the root of it is still the same old, "I want them to be proud of me" garbage. There's nothing wrong with wanting to pour out my love on my beloved ones through gifts and things. What is wrong is my motivations....and essentially its my pride.

God knew what He was doing when He gave these guys to me and even with all the things I couldn't give them, they are not wanting for anything that is good. So Keep it in check, Mama.
Psalm 84
How lovely is your dwelling place,
    Lord Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
    Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
    they are ever praising you.
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
    they make it a place of springs;
    the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
    till each appears before God in Zion.
Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty;
    listen to me, God of Jacob.
Look on our shield, O God;
    look with favor on your anointed one.
Better is one day in your courts
    than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
    than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
    from those whose walk is blameless.
Lord Almighty,
    blessed is the one who trusts in you.

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