So remember when I wrote the post yesterday and I said that everything would hit me later on this week and then I'd just crumble? Well it came a little earlier than I expected. Josh and I drove Tony to Charlotte last night and dropped him off for his semester to really begin. A headache began and escalated and then this morning I literally woke up and started crying. Being a girl is so weird sometimes. Ech! Crying and emotions are just so inconvenient. Anyway, I figured that here in the midst of all this I'd go ahead and write again to help with the pressure of all these fast flowing thoughts and reminisces.

As we were driving through Charlotte, Tony brought up the idea that had we stopped with him and Rebecca we would have been "done" by now. In his mind he loves his siblings dearly, but I think as he's gotten older he thinks me and his dad are a little crazy to have had all these kids considering that life would have been so much easier had we stopped at two. My mind went to this movie quote from On the Waterfront which should be familiar to you, but with which I am going to make a few alterations to make it fitting for this post...
"You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a mum, which is what I am, let's face it. "
Ok, silly I know, but you get the picture. I used to think that way, just like my son, that in deciding to become a mommy I was giving up some rich life full of adventure and wealth and success. Before I had my kids, I had things really "going" for me. I could have become anything I wanted to, and I chose this.

This life.

These kids.

This adventure that has brought me more joy and excitement and fulfillment than I could have ever imagined.

I am not just somebody, I'm somebody's momma and that's all the recognition that I could ever hope to achieve.

Done is so final. Sorta like : this is Amber's portion of life in which she has raised little people and now that that's over let's get back to the real story (period) Meanwhile, now that the kids are all gone, what now? How sad, how selfish. I pray that my kids never feel like they are speed bumps in the highway that is my life story. I look at them like fellow travelers and even when they are grown I really want to travel on with them branching out and merging back together as we all head to the same destination.

For the record, I will never be done with them.


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