Big strange word I know, but its what I've been going through. A cleansing and a purging. Nothing really horrible has been going on, except maybe a tsunami brain bath of hormones that I can't seem to escape from. I make a point upon waking to say, "Self, today is going to be a joyful day." But usually by the time I make it to the shower, something has changed my mind about that statement. I have nothing to complain about, my husband is amazing, my kids are healthy, my finances are covered. I just feel lost. This is an excruciating process that I seem to go through every once in a awhile when like a snake shedding its skin, I become irritable and my eyes glaze over and everything rubs me the wrong way. I go through competing bouts of wanting to run away and  start all over, and wanting to grab this bull by the horns and ride it out. What is this thing? I feel like if I could name it I could defeat it. I feel like I've disappointed myself. I mean I'm thirty-five and a mommy of six. Blah. What have I done with my life? Yeah, I know I'm raising children up, and I'm married to a church planter. But, what have I done? Is God pleased with my life so far? Am I the only one who thinks this way? Am I going insane?Why do I always have to being doing more, doing things different, pushing further, harder, higher, yet I always feel undone? Rhetorical questions all, but asked of myself everyday during this season I can't seem to snap out of. I feel like my opportunity is leaving, the door of youth is closing, my one chance is almost over. Dang it! I know I'm gonna come out of the other side of this and it will all seem so stupid and inconsequential, but right now, I'm tired. 


barbara said…
God is awesome.

He lets our flawed selves be in relationship with Him.

God loves u Amber.

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