10.26.2010

Catharsis

Big strange word I know, but its what I've been going through. A cleansing and a purging. Nothing really horrible has been going on, except maybe a tsunami brain bath of hormones that I can't seem to escape from. I make a point upon waking to say, "Self, today is going to be a joyful day." But usually by the time I make it to the shower, something has changed my mind about that statement. I have nothing to complain about, my husband is amazing, my kids are healthy, my finances are covered. I just feel lost. This is an excruciating process that I seem to go through every once in a awhile when like a snake shedding its skin, I become irritable and my eyes glaze over and everything rubs me the wrong way. I go through competing bouts of wanting to run away and  start all over, and wanting to grab this bull by the horns and ride it out. What is this thing? I feel like if I could name it I could defeat it. I feel like I've disappointed myself. I mean I'm thirty-five and a mommy of six. Blah. What have I done with my life? Yeah, I know I'm raising children up, and I'm married to a church planter. But, what have I done? Is God pleased with my life so far? Am I the only one who thinks this way? Am I going insane?Why do I always have to being doing more, doing things different, pushing further, harder, higher, yet I always feel undone? Rhetorical questions all, but asked of myself everyday during this season I can't seem to snap out of. I feel like my opportunity is leaving, the door of youth is closing, my one chance is almost over. Dang it! I know I'm gonna come out of the other side of this and it will all seem so stupid and inconsequential, but right now, I'm tired. 
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