1.15.2010

R. E. M.

Not the band, the sleep... I haven't been quite getting there lately I think, or at least I enter into a foggy thought and its too difficult to formulate so I just give up. Anyway, with my main man out of the picture right now, the weight of the Goodman world rests squarely on my narrow shoulders. If you know my husband, he's got some pretty wide shoulders, I love those shoulders. They carry a lot of responsibility. Much of that transfers to me while he's gone. While some of it is shelved until he comes back the rest is on me. It keeps me uneasy like maybe I'm forgetting something really important. I made enormous lists before he left but it still leaves me wondering if he's gonna come home and say, "Hey, where's my dog? Did you forget to feed him?"

From the very beginning of our marriage, Josh has traveled. In the early years, I would stay at my mom's or his dad's and things were pretty peachy. Then I kind of outgrew the whole I'm-too-young-to-stay-at-home-and-take-care-of-myself excuse. Although I must add if I ever asked, the doors to both homes would be so wide open. Plus, now its kinda like, "Papa can me and my brood of kids take over and ransack your house for the week while daddy's gone?" I mean you can only push a grandparent's love so far. So I'm left to fend for myself at home with these kids of his while he's out galavanting the globe and spreading the good news and all.

Sleep, its so essential and I'm lacking it. Now I move as many of my kids into my room as possible when dad is away. Tony and Becca don't like to sleep in my room anymore. It may be due to the fact that you can't actually find a place to sleep what with various bodies strewn from the bed to the floor, but that's besides the point. I like to know if I hear a noise, that everybody is safe and sound with me. The dog and Jesus can take care of the rest, ya know. This week is the same old story. Tony and Becca in their rooms upstairs and because they are teenagers they stay up to weird hours and walk into your room unexpectedly at 2 in the morning freaking you out. Emari has a wonderful habit of waking up crying in the middle of the night, or talking in her sleep. Last night she said, "Ok dad." and I asked her why she said that and she said it was because he said, "Thank you." All that was well and fine and pretty cute but not at 3 am. Then mix in coughing fits and potty breaks and night feedings from the insatiable Zion. Sleep just isn't my friend right now.

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