Which Way Did I Go?

Ok, so I knew that when I started this blog there would be times that I would be afraid to post what was going on in my head and heart, but I will not be a chicken with this one. So those of you that have been reading know that I am stuck in a time of my life once again where I am having to wait. Then add to that those who have read my mother's day post and my little junket on my ideal plan for life. Granted that plan was stupid and shallow and I really didn't plan on falling in love with my husband and enjoying the company of my children. I know that sounds really lame but that was really how I foresaw my life: going to work, becoming successful, owning things. Whatever. Life happens and you realize that things change, you change. Back to the wait. So, I'm here waiting. There is so much up in the air right now as far as my very near future and I am truly vexed. I have been absorbing various other blogs from pastor's wives, mommies of large families, etc. Happy mommies and wives who grow gardens and write books and home school. I could get into that except I kill plants, my two oldest are home schooled out of a direct response to our local middle and high school system, not from any deep conviction. So I have been trying to convince myself that I should embrace this whole homemaking thing especially when I realize that no one else around here really knows how to clean or organize anything without my supervision. Then out of the blue, a friend from school busts into my perfect little bubble and suggests that I take some online classes this summer during my wait. Shut up! I was starting to settle into this place and there goes my dream again. Why can't it leave me alone and let me be normal raising my 6 kids from home with a garden? Why oh why do I have to be the consistently discontent person who always has to be doing way too many things at a time? Why do I want to stretch the confines of my life to achieve more? Why do I feel guilty that I don't want to stay at home and keep my house clean all the time? And so wages the battle between my ideal self and my true self..